a wedding, a thunderstorm and This

Last night time fell apart.

It’s happened before. Scary…like dying. Usually I faint. After that everything goes back to normal. I suppose this is a way of not allowing myself to fall apart along with time, which has broken down into increasingly slower wavelengths.

First everything synchronizes—the music, the dance, me dancing, the dancers….I feel we are tuning-up—random sounds, groupings of people, a slight raise of the hand, the repetition of a blue cup, a water bottle appears before I knew I would need it, it was there anyway.

There was a time when I trusted

So at first there were gaps in the rapid vibration. Something someone wrote about Lucy— that has defined it for me ever since— it was as if I existed, or rather as if I were being pressed b e t w e e n seconds where time winds-down, flattens, circles everywhere around me. I had to sit still. I am barely breathing my body has come to a standstill. Fragments of sentences enter, unfiltered, some from a long time ago, some from earlier in the evening. Everything mixed together rather than remaining linear as past—present

there was no mixing with the future.

I wanted to tell Nic that this is dying, this slowing down of the vibration, of attuning my rhythm to This, that this IS the black hole, that we cannot separate Science and Consciousness, that this is what I laid in the grass and thought about when I took physics for the first time at 19… I realized that I am the Tree above my head, that we are exchanging particles as I lay here, with the tree, with the air molecules, the stranger passing by

“Are we leaving at ten?”

Time was falling…no…it was opening and I was sliding in. breathing slower still. Shallower. Slower. Heavier. Lengthening. until I could no longer move and I realized with a gasp of air that I would die if I allowed myself to attune to this. I had to move. Keep moving. Speed up my vibration so I would not die. This made me very nauseous. I threw-up, each time more violently. I needed someplace to be Still. I lay down in the back of the van but it stimulated a nightmare, lying with my head against a chain that ended in a hook. I Knew what this was for, there were four of them, they held down Nathan’s chair. But lying like this brought images of a prison, of torture, of darkness. I couldn’t stay there, but to move made me so nauseous. I made it out of the van, but threw-up three times before I found a comfortable position on the grass, wet from several luck-filled thunderstorms and a bright rainbow.

This IS the truth. A vibrating field in which we are free agents, attuning to frequencies at will, if not consciously

“forgive them for….”

preachers run in our bloodline

but no one in three generations have taken that on

we have our reasons

I could not call it out, but I Know…I was witness, victim, perpetrator…

everything conflates

I saw the space between seconds

I felt time stop moving

It can’t be separated from vibration

which is life

which is sound

which is color

which is light

which is heat

which is life